found out 15 years later that a family member’s death was by suicide and not whatever random story i was told. i was also 11 at the time so it makes sense.
a few months ago, my mom woke me up in the morning and that was the first thing she told me. i’ve been trying to process that but everyone else around me has already lived with this information long enough and don’t want to talk about it. it keeps coming in waves and i guess i just need spaces to process this and let it out.
it’s been 10 years since bama passed away and it’s only last year that i think i finally processed that too. with mom being away for work, bama was more of a mother figure to me that mom finds hard to acknowledge.
and now, i have to also leave the home that i grew up in with no option of returning. “learn to detach” “don’t keep too many emotions” “think about the net benefit of you leaving”
i’ve left home before when i was 19 but it’s different when you know you can come back to the same place. a few minutes ago, the light coming into bama’s room was so different and enveloping. it’s usually a lot more focused and sharp and white at this time of the day in that room but today it was warm and yellow.
i heard about liam’s death in the same room that i discovered the band and it feels like symbolic like okay yes it’s time to close this chapter it really is the end of an era
aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
